1. Is the introductory paragraph interesting? Why or why not? Does the introduction specify clearly what is to be compared and/or contrasted?
The introduction does forecast what is to come a bit, but is quite short and not too specific.
2. Is there a clear thesis statement? Can you find a sentence (or two) that reveals the writer’s point or purpose for the comparison and/or contrast? Type the sentence(s) below that you believe to be the writer’s thesis statement. If the thesis is implied, state it in your own words below.
"I think it is great how close my family is that I can count on any of them when I am in need, especially my Grandpa and Papaw", is the thesis statement. However, it is a bit vague, and can be rewritten to better fit what the body of the essay explains.
3. Does the writer establish a basis for comparison (see “Notes on Comparison and Contrast” posted August 9th)? Which points of comparison and/or contrast need further development? Which points should be deleted? Where do significant points seem to be missing? How has the most important similarity or difference been emphasized?
The basis for comparison is there and clear. Also, she uses a point-by-point style. One difference that was emphasized was the number of grandchildren. This was emphasized by the total number of grandchildren that each grandfather had.
4. Does the writer use subject-by-subject (block) or point-by-point (alternating) analysis? Why is that the best strategy for this essay?
She uses a point-by-point analysis for her comparison and contrast essay.
5. Would the essay improve if the paragraphs were arranged differently? Why/why not? Note any paragraph that seems out of order. Are the paragraphs connected to one another smoothly and logically? Are there transitions between paragraphs that help you understand how the writer’s ideas are connected? Explain.
The paragraphs are arranged nicely, but the transition from paragraph 3 to 4 could be smoother. This would enable an easier read.
6. Do individual paragraphs seem well detailed? What suggestions would you make about adding/subtracting specific examples to help illustrate the writer’s comparison and/or contrast?
I like how the paragraphs are detailed, but I think dialogue from each grandfather would be a nice touch. The introduction could be a bit more detailed, too.
7. Are all of the writer’s paragraphs unified and coherent? Indicate which paragraphs have any sentences that seem irrelevant (“unity” concerns) or out of order (“coherence” concerns).
It is a coherent essay, but the introduction needs some detail and a clearer thesis statement.
8. Go back and read the first and last paragraph. Has the writer fulfilled the obligations he or she established in the introduction? Does the writer accomplish everything promised in the introduction, or does the essay go off track or seem to switch focus? Why or why not? How can the conclusion be improved?
Other than the thesis needing revision, the introduction and conclusion support this essay well.
9. Now look at sentences. Does the writer have sentences that strike you as effective because they include strong verbs, specific details, memorable phrases, or striking images? Does the writer have any words they repeat too often, use incorrectly, or misspells? Finally, does the writer have any tendencies for error they should be made aware of? (Think comma splices, run-on sentences, or switches in verb tense, etc.)
The comparison of two grandfather's backgrounds was very interesting. Also, reading how many grandchildren the one grandfather had was very intriguing. As far as errors, the second sentence in the first paragraph is not very clear. In the second sentence of the second paragraph, "eighty-five" is misspelled. Also, in the sixth paragraph "Mama" is misspelled once.
10. Write a summary comment that explains what you like best about the paper. Then, describe the two features of the paper that most need improvement. What suggestion(s) for overcoming these problems do you have?
I really like the personal touch that this essay has. I also like the good memories in this essay. However, the introduction could be a bit longer and more detailed. Also, the thesis statement could be clearer. Make the thesis more obvious, and the essay will benefit.
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