I came into this class with a background of business writing training. I was taught to get right to the point, and cut out anything that was unnecessary. So when I read that I would be writing essays every day, and that they would have a word limit, I was very intimidated. After the first few essays, I started to get the hang of non-business writing. Now I was able to free-write and add detail to minor events without fearing penalty. A new world of writing was opening up to me as I completed every essay for this class. Looking back, I have learned many things from this English writing class.
The main thing that I learned from this class was revision. It is not that I was unable to revise my writings before I had this class, but that I only knew how to trim stuff from my papers. I was real good at editing things from my writings, and now I am able to actually add stuff. My revision skills are now more about clarifying points for my reader's sake, and not about editing out stuff that may be too wordy or confusing. Now I understand that my readers are not always going to be upper management with no time to waste. Some of my writings will be for people who are looking to read my topic because it interests or pertains to them.
While writing for an audience that actually has time to spend, I have had to shape my writings to their needs. I used unity as a basis for each essay that I wrote. After each essay, I reread and ask "is there anything that is not unified with the thesis statement?" This question makes me really look in depth at my writing. If something is not in complete unity, I do not have to cut it out. I can revise it to fit the thesis and keep it in the essay.
The type of essay that I found the most difficult to keep in unity was the illustrative essay. It was very hard to describe events and topics colorfully without straying from the thesis statement. However in the illustrative essay, I was able to go into detail on the points that I presented. This was a very good exercise to break me of business writing. Also, this is gave me a chance to write about something that I was interested in.
I actually was able to write about things that I wanted to with most of the essays. I really liked this, because writing is an art form. I used to draw, and hated to have to draw something that I did not want to draw. It made it seem like work, instead of fun. The same idea is true with writing. I find that I actually enjoy writing about topics that I choose. If a topic is assigned to me, there is a good chance that I will not be able to relate to the topic. If that happens, how can I put any kind of passion into the writing?
If I am able to relate to my topic, I find that writing up to and past the word limit is a simple task. Also, I tend to have time to go back and clarify topics. Since this was a summer course, time was always a factor. If I had time to go back and review an essay, I found that I was able to go back and add writing techniques into it. I really liked using dialogue, because it really seemed to bring the writing to life. Also, I loved using synonyms to help describe the point that I am trying to get across.
This is why i really liked the compare and contrast essay. I like that I was able to pick what I was comparing and contrasting more. This allowed me to already have to knowledge about my topic, so I could focus my efforts on improving my writing skills, and using newly learned writing techniques. A lot of the essays took me a while to write because I had to do prewriting exercises to gather information about a topic. This made my focus lean away from using new techniques.
This class was a great experience for learning and demonstrating new writing techniques. It definitely pulled me away from briefness of business writings, and showed me a new world of detail that can be explored. In the future, I plan to use just about everything that I learned in this class to achieve my personal goals for the future.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Peer Review for Kyle D.'s "How Do We Find..." Essay
1. Is the introductory paragraph interesting? Why or why not? Does the introduction specify clearly what is to be classified and/or divided into groups?
It is interesting, because I can relate to the topic. It is also clear as to what will be classified.
2. Is there a clear thesis statement? Can you find a sentence (or two) that reveals the writer’s point or purpose for the classification and/or division? Type the sentence(s) below that you believe to be the writer’s thesis statement. If the thesis is implied, state it in your own words below.
"High school though, is the time when you begin associating with a particular “click” and defining who you are", is the thesis statement.
3. Is the writer’s basis of classification clear (see “Notes on Classification and Division” posted August 12th)? Why or why not? By what means is the writer grouping his or her subject matter?
His basis is clear. He is classifying people into cliques.
4. Are the groups or categories clearly defined and uniquely named? Do any seem to overlap or appear oversimplified or based on stereotypes? Explain.
The groups do not overlap. The gangsta group may be oversimplified. Extra detail for this group will help this essay.
5. Would the essay improve if the paragraphs were arranged differently? Why/why not? Note any paragraph that seems out of order. Are the paragraphs connected to one another smoothly and logically? Are there transitions between paragraphs that help you understand how the writer’s ideas are connected? Explain.
The paragraphs are in a nice order, and the transitions help for a smooth and easy read.
6. Do individual paragraphs seem well detailed? What suggestions would you make about adding/subtracting specific examples to help illustrate the writer’s classification and/or division?
The paragraph on the gangsta group could use a little bit more detail.
7. Are all of the writer’s paragraphs unified and coherent? Indicate which paragraphs have any sentences that seem irrelevant (“unity” concerns) or out of order (“coherence” concerns).
Each paragraph is coherent to the essay.
8. Go back and read the first and last paragraph. Has the writer fulfilled the obligations he or she established in the introduction? Does the writer accomplish everything promised in the introduction, or does the essay go off track or seem to switch focus? Why or why not? How can the conclusion be improved?
The introduction is good, but the conclusion needs to be rewritten to reflect the introduction.
9. Now look at sentences. Does the writer have sentences that strike you as effective because they include strong verbs, specific details, memorable phrases, or striking images? Does the writer have any words they repeat too often, use incorrectly, or misspells? Finally, does the writer have any tendencies for error they should be made aware of? (Think comma splices, run-on sentences, or switches in verb tense, etc.)
The one thing that stands out to me is the word "click". The proper spelling of the word that you are thinking of is "clique".
10. Write a summary comment that explains what you like best about the paper. Then, describe the two features of the paper that most need improvement. What suggestion(s) for overcoming these problems do you have?
I can relate to this topic, because I have experienced the same classifications in high school. However, if you rewrite the conclusion to reflect the introduction, the essay would benefit. Also, replace the word "click" with "clique" for reason of understandability.
It is interesting, because I can relate to the topic. It is also clear as to what will be classified.
2. Is there a clear thesis statement? Can you find a sentence (or two) that reveals the writer’s point or purpose for the classification and/or division? Type the sentence(s) below that you believe to be the writer’s thesis statement. If the thesis is implied, state it in your own words below.
"High school though, is the time when you begin associating with a particular “click” and defining who you are", is the thesis statement.
3. Is the writer’s basis of classification clear (see “Notes on Classification and Division” posted August 12th)? Why or why not? By what means is the writer grouping his or her subject matter?
His basis is clear. He is classifying people into cliques.
4. Are the groups or categories clearly defined and uniquely named? Do any seem to overlap or appear oversimplified or based on stereotypes? Explain.
The groups do not overlap. The gangsta group may be oversimplified. Extra detail for this group will help this essay.
5. Would the essay improve if the paragraphs were arranged differently? Why/why not? Note any paragraph that seems out of order. Are the paragraphs connected to one another smoothly and logically? Are there transitions between paragraphs that help you understand how the writer’s ideas are connected? Explain.
The paragraphs are in a nice order, and the transitions help for a smooth and easy read.
6. Do individual paragraphs seem well detailed? What suggestions would you make about adding/subtracting specific examples to help illustrate the writer’s classification and/or division?
The paragraph on the gangsta group could use a little bit more detail.
7. Are all of the writer’s paragraphs unified and coherent? Indicate which paragraphs have any sentences that seem irrelevant (“unity” concerns) or out of order (“coherence” concerns).
Each paragraph is coherent to the essay.
8. Go back and read the first and last paragraph. Has the writer fulfilled the obligations he or she established in the introduction? Does the writer accomplish everything promised in the introduction, or does the essay go off track or seem to switch focus? Why or why not? How can the conclusion be improved?
The introduction is good, but the conclusion needs to be rewritten to reflect the introduction.
9. Now look at sentences. Does the writer have sentences that strike you as effective because they include strong verbs, specific details, memorable phrases, or striking images? Does the writer have any words they repeat too often, use incorrectly, or misspells? Finally, does the writer have any tendencies for error they should be made aware of? (Think comma splices, run-on sentences, or switches in verb tense, etc.)
The one thing that stands out to me is the word "click". The proper spelling of the word that you are thinking of is "clique".
10. Write a summary comment that explains what you like best about the paper. Then, describe the two features of the paper that most need improvement. What suggestion(s) for overcoming these problems do you have?
I can relate to this topic, because I have experienced the same classifications in high school. However, if you rewrite the conclusion to reflect the introduction, the essay would benefit. Also, replace the word "click" with "clique" for reason of understandability.
Peer Review for Braco's Cause and Effect Essay
1. Is the introductory paragraph interesting? Why or why not? Does the introduction specify clearly what is to be analyzed? Can you tell if causes (a number of television programs or characters), effects (positive influences or benefits), or both will be emphasized?
The introduction is interesting because it shows an important point in his life, and how things were going to change. This leads me to believe that there will be a lot of cause and effect situations in this essay.
2. Is there a clear thesis statement? Can you find a sentence (or two) that reveals the writer’s point or purpose for the analysis? Type the sentence(s) below that you believe to be the writer’s thesis statement. If the thesis is implied, state it in your own words below.
"I was in love with all of those cartoons and never missed one episode. When I got into eight grade was first time I saw the anime called Ruroni Kenshin", are the thesis sentences, but a revision for clarity will help a lot.
3. Does the writer include a sufficient number of programs or characters (cause) and positive results (effect)? Why or why not? What other causes or effects should the writer consider?
He includes many cartoons in a general group. Then he picks one to show all the causes and effects that it had on his life.
4. Are the causes/effects reasonable or believable and not too far fetched? Does the author make any creative connections or offer anything that surprises you—or does the analysis seem obvious? Explain.
The connections are very reasonable, because his life changed very rapidly when he moved from Bosnia to the United States. There was bound to be something that affected him at this time. It happened to be cartoons.
5. Would the essay improve if the paragraphs were arranged differently? Why/why not? Note any paragraph that seems out of order. Are the paragraphs connected to one another smoothly and logically? Are there transitions between paragraphs that help you understand how the writer’s ideas are connected? Explain.
The introduction and thesis statement needs a bit of revision. Also, the transition between the introduction and second paragraph could be smoother. These revisions are needed to be able to clearly see what the thesis statement.
6. Do individual paragraphs seem well detailed? What suggestions would you make about adding/subtracting specific examples to help illustrate the writer’s cause and/or effect analysis?
Near the end of the essay, the point about his parents being strict could be intertwined with the main focus of the essay a bit better. This will help combat any unity problems.
7. Are all of the writer’s paragraphs unified and coherent? Indicate which paragraphs have any sentences that seem irrelevant (“unity” concerns) or out of order (“coherence” concerns).
As mentioned before, the point about strict parents can be unified with the main focus of the essay better.
8. Go back and read the first and last paragraph. Has the writer fulfilled the obligations he or she established in the introduction? Does the writer accomplish everything promised in the introduction, or does the essay go off track or
seem to switch focus? Why or why not? How can the conclusion be improved?
Once the introduction is revised, the conclusion will make more sense. The conclusion is fine, but the problem lies with the introduction.
9. Now look at sentences. Does the writer have sentences that strike you as effective because they include strong verbs, specific details, memorable phrases, or striking images? Does the writer have any words they repeat too often, use incorrectly, or misspells? Finally, does the writer have any tendencies for error they should be made aware of? (Think comma splices, run-on sentences, or switches in verb tense, etc.)
This essay has a lot of spelling errors. If it is proofread a few times, all the errors should become obvious. Also, there are a few run-on sentences that would benefit from a proofreading.
10. Write a summary comment that explains what you like best about the paper. Then, describe the two features of the paper that most need improvement. What suggestion(s) for overcoming these problems do you have?
I really like how his life is changed for the better, instead of for the worse. However, a revision of the thesis statement will help this essay become clearer. Also, proofreading this essay a few times will correct the spelling and run-on sentence errors.
The introduction is interesting because it shows an important point in his life, and how things were going to change. This leads me to believe that there will be a lot of cause and effect situations in this essay.
2. Is there a clear thesis statement? Can you find a sentence (or two) that reveals the writer’s point or purpose for the analysis? Type the sentence(s) below that you believe to be the writer’s thesis statement. If the thesis is implied, state it in your own words below.
"I was in love with all of those cartoons and never missed one episode. When I got into eight grade was first time I saw the anime called Ruroni Kenshin", are the thesis sentences, but a revision for clarity will help a lot.
3. Does the writer include a sufficient number of programs or characters (cause) and positive results (effect)? Why or why not? What other causes or effects should the writer consider?
He includes many cartoons in a general group. Then he picks one to show all the causes and effects that it had on his life.
4. Are the causes/effects reasonable or believable and not too far fetched? Does the author make any creative connections or offer anything that surprises you—or does the analysis seem obvious? Explain.
The connections are very reasonable, because his life changed very rapidly when he moved from Bosnia to the United States. There was bound to be something that affected him at this time. It happened to be cartoons.
5. Would the essay improve if the paragraphs were arranged differently? Why/why not? Note any paragraph that seems out of order. Are the paragraphs connected to one another smoothly and logically? Are there transitions between paragraphs that help you understand how the writer’s ideas are connected? Explain.
The introduction and thesis statement needs a bit of revision. Also, the transition between the introduction and second paragraph could be smoother. These revisions are needed to be able to clearly see what the thesis statement.
6. Do individual paragraphs seem well detailed? What suggestions would you make about adding/subtracting specific examples to help illustrate the writer’s cause and/or effect analysis?
Near the end of the essay, the point about his parents being strict could be intertwined with the main focus of the essay a bit better. This will help combat any unity problems.
7. Are all of the writer’s paragraphs unified and coherent? Indicate which paragraphs have any sentences that seem irrelevant (“unity” concerns) or out of order (“coherence” concerns).
As mentioned before, the point about strict parents can be unified with the main focus of the essay better.
8. Go back and read the first and last paragraph. Has the writer fulfilled the obligations he or she established in the introduction? Does the writer accomplish everything promised in the introduction, or does the essay go off track or
seem to switch focus? Why or why not? How can the conclusion be improved?
Once the introduction is revised, the conclusion will make more sense. The conclusion is fine, but the problem lies with the introduction.
9. Now look at sentences. Does the writer have sentences that strike you as effective because they include strong verbs, specific details, memorable phrases, or striking images? Does the writer have any words they repeat too often, use incorrectly, or misspells? Finally, does the writer have any tendencies for error they should be made aware of? (Think comma splices, run-on sentences, or switches in verb tense, etc.)
This essay has a lot of spelling errors. If it is proofread a few times, all the errors should become obvious. Also, there are a few run-on sentences that would benefit from a proofreading.
10. Write a summary comment that explains what you like best about the paper. Then, describe the two features of the paper that most need improvement. What suggestion(s) for overcoming these problems do you have?
I really like how his life is changed for the better, instead of for the worse. However, a revision of the thesis statement will help this essay become clearer. Also, proofreading this essay a few times will correct the spelling and run-on sentence errors.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Peer Review for Michelle B.'s Definition Essay
1. First of all, does the essay respond appropriately to the assignment: 1) Is the writer writing about a group or class that he or she is a member of? (For example, a male shouldn’t be writing an “I Want a Girlfriend” essay; also an “I Want a Genie” essay would not be acceptable), or 2) Is the writer ranting against a pet peeve or current societal shortcoming? Explain your answer.
The essay does respond appropriately to the assignment. There are a few rants about pet peeves, but that is to be expected when talking about this topic.
2. “I Want a Wife” is a good example of an essay with an implied thesis statement. Does your writer have an explicit (stated) or implicit (implied) thesis? If the thesis is clearly stated, re-write it below. If the thesis is implied, write what you believe the thesis to be below.
"There are certain aspects of being a sister that are not perfect, but it would be nice for my sister to be the perfect sister for just one day", is the thesis statement for this essay.
3. Is the writer’s term or concept sufficiently defined? Why or why not? What other information would help you “define” this term?
This writer does a great job defining the concept. The essay was easy to understand.
4. Do all of the paragraphs contribute to the development of the thesis? Point out any paragraph(s) that you have difficulty relating to the thesis statement or definition.
All paragraphs support the thesis statement very well.
5. Would the essay improve if the paragraphs were arranged differently? Why/why not? Note any paragraph that seems out of order. Are the paragraphs connected to one another smoothly and logically? Are there transitions between paragraphs that help you understand how the writer’s ideas are connected? Explain.
The paragraph arrangement is fine. However, if the second to last and last sentence in the second paragraph were switched with each other, the transition would be smoother.
6. Do individual paragraphs seem well detailed? What suggestions would you make about adding/subtracting specific details that would help define the writer’s term(s) or concept? Does the writer utilize the different strategies of definition (see “Notes of Definition” posted August 10th)? What strategy should the writer consider using more? Explain your answer—why would this strategy be effective?
She does not use the basic definition techniques, but she does define by example, description, and enumeration. I think the way she defined her perfect sister was effective.
7. Are all of the writer’s paragraphs unified and coherent? Indicate which paragraphs have any sentences that seem irrelevant (“unity” concerns) or out of order (“coherence” concerns).
The paragraphs are coherent, but the third paragraph seems to lack a topic sentence.
8. Brady’s essay is also a good example of an effective tone…while not quite a rant, she definitely exudes frustration with society’s expectations of “wifely” duties. Does the essay you’re reading have a similar tone? What could the writer do to sound even more exasperated?
This writer's essay follows the tone that Brady set in "I Want a Wife". It has times when it borderlines a rant, but the essay stays on track until the end.
9. Now look at sentences. Does the writer have sentences that strike you as effective because they include strong verbs, specific details, memorable phrases, or striking images? Does the writer have any words they repeat too often, use incorrectly, or misspells? Finally, does the writer have any tendencies for error they should be made aware of? (Think comma splices, run-on sentences, or switches in verb tense, etc.)
Nearly every sentence is detailed specifically to define by description and enumeration. A basic sentence structure is repeated throughout the essay, but is effective for defining.
10. Write a summary comment that explains what you like best about the paper. Then, describe the two features of the paper that most need improvement. What suggestion(s) for overcoming these problems do you have?
I can relate on this topic, because I have siblings. Seeing a list of a perfect sister is very amusing to me, because I get where the writer is coming from. The third paragraph needs a topic sentence. Also, the transition from the second to the third paragraph could be smoothed out by switching the sentences that I mentioned before.
The essay does respond appropriately to the assignment. There are a few rants about pet peeves, but that is to be expected when talking about this topic.
2. “I Want a Wife” is a good example of an essay with an implied thesis statement. Does your writer have an explicit (stated) or implicit (implied) thesis? If the thesis is clearly stated, re-write it below. If the thesis is implied, write what you believe the thesis to be below.
"There are certain aspects of being a sister that are not perfect, but it would be nice for my sister to be the perfect sister for just one day", is the thesis statement for this essay.
3. Is the writer’s term or concept sufficiently defined? Why or why not? What other information would help you “define” this term?
This writer does a great job defining the concept. The essay was easy to understand.
4. Do all of the paragraphs contribute to the development of the thesis? Point out any paragraph(s) that you have difficulty relating to the thesis statement or definition.
All paragraphs support the thesis statement very well.
5. Would the essay improve if the paragraphs were arranged differently? Why/why not? Note any paragraph that seems out of order. Are the paragraphs connected to one another smoothly and logically? Are there transitions between paragraphs that help you understand how the writer’s ideas are connected? Explain.
The paragraph arrangement is fine. However, if the second to last and last sentence in the second paragraph were switched with each other, the transition would be smoother.
6. Do individual paragraphs seem well detailed? What suggestions would you make about adding/subtracting specific details that would help define the writer’s term(s) or concept? Does the writer utilize the different strategies of definition (see “Notes of Definition” posted August 10th)? What strategy should the writer consider using more? Explain your answer—why would this strategy be effective?
She does not use the basic definition techniques, but she does define by example, description, and enumeration. I think the way she defined her perfect sister was effective.
7. Are all of the writer’s paragraphs unified and coherent? Indicate which paragraphs have any sentences that seem irrelevant (“unity” concerns) or out of order (“coherence” concerns).
The paragraphs are coherent, but the third paragraph seems to lack a topic sentence.
8. Brady’s essay is also a good example of an effective tone…while not quite a rant, she definitely exudes frustration with society’s expectations of “wifely” duties. Does the essay you’re reading have a similar tone? What could the writer do to sound even more exasperated?
This writer's essay follows the tone that Brady set in "I Want a Wife". It has times when it borderlines a rant, but the essay stays on track until the end.
9. Now look at sentences. Does the writer have sentences that strike you as effective because they include strong verbs, specific details, memorable phrases, or striking images? Does the writer have any words they repeat too often, use incorrectly, or misspells? Finally, does the writer have any tendencies for error they should be made aware of? (Think comma splices, run-on sentences, or switches in verb tense, etc.)
Nearly every sentence is detailed specifically to define by description and enumeration. A basic sentence structure is repeated throughout the essay, but is effective for defining.
10. Write a summary comment that explains what you like best about the paper. Then, describe the two features of the paper that most need improvement. What suggestion(s) for overcoming these problems do you have?
I can relate on this topic, because I have siblings. Seeing a list of a perfect sister is very amusing to me, because I get where the writer is coming from. The third paragraph needs a topic sentence. Also, the transition from the second to the third paragraph could be smoothed out by switching the sentences that I mentioned before.
Peer Review for Jenna B.'s Compare & Contrast Essay
1. Is the introductory paragraph interesting? Why or why not? Does the introduction specify clearly what is to be compared and/or contrasted?
The introduction does forecast what is to come a bit, but is quite short and not too specific.
2. Is there a clear thesis statement? Can you find a sentence (or two) that reveals the writer’s point or purpose for the comparison and/or contrast? Type the sentence(s) below that you believe to be the writer’s thesis statement. If the thesis is implied, state it in your own words below.
"I think it is great how close my family is that I can count on any of them when I am in need, especially my Grandpa and Papaw", is the thesis statement. However, it is a bit vague, and can be rewritten to better fit what the body of the essay explains.
3. Does the writer establish a basis for comparison (see “Notes on Comparison and Contrast” posted August 9th)? Which points of comparison and/or contrast need further development? Which points should be deleted? Where do significant points seem to be missing? How has the most important similarity or difference been emphasized?
The basis for comparison is there and clear. Also, she uses a point-by-point style. One difference that was emphasized was the number of grandchildren. This was emphasized by the total number of grandchildren that each grandfather had.
4. Does the writer use subject-by-subject (block) or point-by-point (alternating) analysis? Why is that the best strategy for this essay?
She uses a point-by-point analysis for her comparison and contrast essay.
5. Would the essay improve if the paragraphs were arranged differently? Why/why not? Note any paragraph that seems out of order. Are the paragraphs connected to one another smoothly and logically? Are there transitions between paragraphs that help you understand how the writer’s ideas are connected? Explain.
The paragraphs are arranged nicely, but the transition from paragraph 3 to 4 could be smoother. This would enable an easier read.
6. Do individual paragraphs seem well detailed? What suggestions would you make about adding/subtracting specific examples to help illustrate the writer’s comparison and/or contrast?
I like how the paragraphs are detailed, but I think dialogue from each grandfather would be a nice touch. The introduction could be a bit more detailed, too.
7. Are all of the writer’s paragraphs unified and coherent? Indicate which paragraphs have any sentences that seem irrelevant (“unity” concerns) or out of order (“coherence” concerns).
It is a coherent essay, but the introduction needs some detail and a clearer thesis statement.
8. Go back and read the first and last paragraph. Has the writer fulfilled the obligations he or she established in the introduction? Does the writer accomplish everything promised in the introduction, or does the essay go off track or seem to switch focus? Why or why not? How can the conclusion be improved?
Other than the thesis needing revision, the introduction and conclusion support this essay well.
9. Now look at sentences. Does the writer have sentences that strike you as effective because they include strong verbs, specific details, memorable phrases, or striking images? Does the writer have any words they repeat too often, use incorrectly, or misspells? Finally, does the writer have any tendencies for error they should be made aware of? (Think comma splices, run-on sentences, or switches in verb tense, etc.)
The comparison of two grandfather's backgrounds was very interesting. Also, reading how many grandchildren the one grandfather had was very intriguing. As far as errors, the second sentence in the first paragraph is not very clear. In the second sentence of the second paragraph, "eighty-five" is misspelled. Also, in the sixth paragraph "Mama" is misspelled once.
10. Write a summary comment that explains what you like best about the paper. Then, describe the two features of the paper that most need improvement. What suggestion(s) for overcoming these problems do you have?
I really like the personal touch that this essay has. I also like the good memories in this essay. However, the introduction could be a bit longer and more detailed. Also, the thesis statement could be clearer. Make the thesis more obvious, and the essay will benefit.
The introduction does forecast what is to come a bit, but is quite short and not too specific.
2. Is there a clear thesis statement? Can you find a sentence (or two) that reveals the writer’s point or purpose for the comparison and/or contrast? Type the sentence(s) below that you believe to be the writer’s thesis statement. If the thesis is implied, state it in your own words below.
"I think it is great how close my family is that I can count on any of them when I am in need, especially my Grandpa and Papaw", is the thesis statement. However, it is a bit vague, and can be rewritten to better fit what the body of the essay explains.
3. Does the writer establish a basis for comparison (see “Notes on Comparison and Contrast” posted August 9th)? Which points of comparison and/or contrast need further development? Which points should be deleted? Where do significant points seem to be missing? How has the most important similarity or difference been emphasized?
The basis for comparison is there and clear. Also, she uses a point-by-point style. One difference that was emphasized was the number of grandchildren. This was emphasized by the total number of grandchildren that each grandfather had.
4. Does the writer use subject-by-subject (block) or point-by-point (alternating) analysis? Why is that the best strategy for this essay?
She uses a point-by-point analysis for her comparison and contrast essay.
5. Would the essay improve if the paragraphs were arranged differently? Why/why not? Note any paragraph that seems out of order. Are the paragraphs connected to one another smoothly and logically? Are there transitions between paragraphs that help you understand how the writer’s ideas are connected? Explain.
The paragraphs are arranged nicely, but the transition from paragraph 3 to 4 could be smoother. This would enable an easier read.
6. Do individual paragraphs seem well detailed? What suggestions would you make about adding/subtracting specific examples to help illustrate the writer’s comparison and/or contrast?
I like how the paragraphs are detailed, but I think dialogue from each grandfather would be a nice touch. The introduction could be a bit more detailed, too.
7. Are all of the writer’s paragraphs unified and coherent? Indicate which paragraphs have any sentences that seem irrelevant (“unity” concerns) or out of order (“coherence” concerns).
It is a coherent essay, but the introduction needs some detail and a clearer thesis statement.
8. Go back and read the first and last paragraph. Has the writer fulfilled the obligations he or she established in the introduction? Does the writer accomplish everything promised in the introduction, or does the essay go off track or seem to switch focus? Why or why not? How can the conclusion be improved?
Other than the thesis needing revision, the introduction and conclusion support this essay well.
9. Now look at sentences. Does the writer have sentences that strike you as effective because they include strong verbs, specific details, memorable phrases, or striking images? Does the writer have any words they repeat too often, use incorrectly, or misspells? Finally, does the writer have any tendencies for error they should be made aware of? (Think comma splices, run-on sentences, or switches in verb tense, etc.)
The comparison of two grandfather's backgrounds was very interesting. Also, reading how many grandchildren the one grandfather had was very intriguing. As far as errors, the second sentence in the first paragraph is not very clear. In the second sentence of the second paragraph, "eighty-five" is misspelled. Also, in the sixth paragraph "Mama" is misspelled once.
10. Write a summary comment that explains what you like best about the paper. Then, describe the two features of the paper that most need improvement. What suggestion(s) for overcoming these problems do you have?
I really like the personal touch that this essay has. I also like the good memories in this essay. However, the introduction could be a bit longer and more detailed. Also, the thesis statement could be clearer. Make the thesis more obvious, and the essay will benefit.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Peer Review for Nicole S.'s Illustration Essay
1. Is the introductory paragraph interesting? Why or why not? What does the writer give you to make you want to continue reading?
It is interesting how she finds humor in something that some people may find distressing. Other than that, the introduction does not give me much of what is to come.
2. Is there a clear thesis statement? Can you find a sentence (or two) that reveals the writer’s purpose?
The thesis statement is somewhat clear, but needs to be refined.
3. Type the sentence(s) below that you believe to be the writer’s thesis statement. If the thesis is implied, state it in your own words below.
"It makes me laugh that people see how I look physically and already make a judgment of me before they get a chance to know how smart and awesome I actually am", is the thesis statement. However, I think it could be trimmed down and clarified, so it is easier to see what is to come.
4. Do all of the paragraphs contribute to the development of the thesis? Point out any paragraph(s) that you have difficulty relating to the thesis statement or illustration.
The paragraphs do relate to the thesis, but the paragraphs often become too general. More detail can add a lot to this essay.
5. Would the essay improve if the paragraphs were arranged differently? Why/why not? Note any paragraph that seems out of order. Are the paragraphs connected to one another smoothly and logically? Are there transitions between paragraphs that help you understand how the writer’s ideas are connected? Explain.
The order is okay. However, the last paragraph can be broken into two ideas, and then transitioned into a new conclusion.
6. Do individual paragraphs seem well detailed? What suggestions would you make about adding/subtracting specific examples to help illustrate the writer’s point or concept?
Some paragraphs are too vague. If some dialogue or examples are added, it would enhance this essay greatly.
7. Are all of the writer’s paragraphs unified and coherent? Indicate which paragraphs have any sentences that seem irrelevant (“unity” concerns) or out of order (“coherence” concerns).
As mentioned earlier, the final paragraph could be broken into two paragraphs. This would make the essay a bit easier to understand.
8. Go back and read the first and last paragraph. Has the writer fulfilled the obligations he or she established in the introduction? Does the writer accomplish everything promised in the introduction, or does the essay go off track or seem to switch focus? Why or why not? How can the conclusion be improved?
The conclusion is not there. A conclusion needs to be written to close out this essay. Also, the introduction is very short and not specific. A revised introduction would help a lot.
9. Now look at sentences. Does the writer have sentences that strike you as effective because they include strong verbs, specific details, memorable phrases, or striking images? Does the writer have any words they repeat too often, use incorrectly, or misspells? Finally, does the writer have any tendencies for error they should be made aware of? (Think comma splices, run-on sentences, or switches in verb tense, etc.)
Nothing specific stands out in my mind, but the writer's style is interesting. Her style kept my attention throughout the essay.
10. Write a summary comment that explains what you like best about the paper. Then, describe the two features of the paper that most need improvement. What suggestion(s) for overcoming these problems do you have?
The writing style is interesting, but the essay is not detailed enough. The essay also needs a conclusion. If some examples are used for detail, the essay would benefit. Furthermore, a good conclusion would close this essay out in great fashion.
It is interesting how she finds humor in something that some people may find distressing. Other than that, the introduction does not give me much of what is to come.
2. Is there a clear thesis statement? Can you find a sentence (or two) that reveals the writer’s purpose?
The thesis statement is somewhat clear, but needs to be refined.
3. Type the sentence(s) below that you believe to be the writer’s thesis statement. If the thesis is implied, state it in your own words below.
"It makes me laugh that people see how I look physically and already make a judgment of me before they get a chance to know how smart and awesome I actually am", is the thesis statement. However, I think it could be trimmed down and clarified, so it is easier to see what is to come.
4. Do all of the paragraphs contribute to the development of the thesis? Point out any paragraph(s) that you have difficulty relating to the thesis statement or illustration.
The paragraphs do relate to the thesis, but the paragraphs often become too general. More detail can add a lot to this essay.
5. Would the essay improve if the paragraphs were arranged differently? Why/why not? Note any paragraph that seems out of order. Are the paragraphs connected to one another smoothly and logically? Are there transitions between paragraphs that help you understand how the writer’s ideas are connected? Explain.
The order is okay. However, the last paragraph can be broken into two ideas, and then transitioned into a new conclusion.
6. Do individual paragraphs seem well detailed? What suggestions would you make about adding/subtracting specific examples to help illustrate the writer’s point or concept?
Some paragraphs are too vague. If some dialogue or examples are added, it would enhance this essay greatly.
7. Are all of the writer’s paragraphs unified and coherent? Indicate which paragraphs have any sentences that seem irrelevant (“unity” concerns) or out of order (“coherence” concerns).
As mentioned earlier, the final paragraph could be broken into two paragraphs. This would make the essay a bit easier to understand.
8. Go back and read the first and last paragraph. Has the writer fulfilled the obligations he or she established in the introduction? Does the writer accomplish everything promised in the introduction, or does the essay go off track or seem to switch focus? Why or why not? How can the conclusion be improved?
The conclusion is not there. A conclusion needs to be written to close out this essay. Also, the introduction is very short and not specific. A revised introduction would help a lot.
9. Now look at sentences. Does the writer have sentences that strike you as effective because they include strong verbs, specific details, memorable phrases, or striking images? Does the writer have any words they repeat too often, use incorrectly, or misspells? Finally, does the writer have any tendencies for error they should be made aware of? (Think comma splices, run-on sentences, or switches in verb tense, etc.)
Nothing specific stands out in my mind, but the writer's style is interesting. Her style kept my attention throughout the essay.
10. Write a summary comment that explains what you like best about the paper. Then, describe the two features of the paper that most need improvement. What suggestion(s) for overcoming these problems do you have?
The writing style is interesting, but the essay is not detailed enough. The essay also needs a conclusion. If some examples are used for detail, the essay would benefit. Furthermore, a good conclusion would close this essay out in great fashion.
Peer Review for Cory R.'s Process Essay
1. Is the introductory paragraph interesting? Why or why not? What does the writer give you to make you want to continue reading?
It is interesting, because most everyone has been through high school and can relate to the topic. This topic made me curious to his high school experience.
2. Is there a clear thesis statement? Can you find a sentence (or two) that reveals the writer’s purpose?
The thesis statement is mostly clear, but it would not hurt to state it more obviously.
3. Type the sentence(s) below that you believe to be the writer’s thesis statement. If the thesis is implied, state it in your own words below.
The implied thesis is the decisions that he and his friends made in high school were mostly based on fitting in and making friends.
4. Do all of the paragraphs contribute to the development of the thesis? Is it clear to you how each of the paragraphs relate to the process the writer is examining? Are any of the required steps or stages left out? Point out any paragraph(s) that you have difficulty relating to the thesis statement or process.
All of the paragraphs relate. The first couple set up the thesis and the process, while the rest carry us through the process. The process does come to an abrupt end, though. A sentence or two could be added to the second to last paragraph to wrap up the story a bit better.
5. Would the essay improve if the paragraphs were arranged differently? Why/why not? Note any paragraph that seems out of order.
All of his paragraphs are in order, and I found it easy to read because of this.
6. Are the paragraphs connected to one another smoothly and logically? Are there transitions between paragraphs that help you understand how the writer’s ideas are connected? Do individual paragraphs seem well detailed? What suggestions would you make about adding/subtracting specific details?
The transitions are pretty good, but I think the second to last paragraph's transition needs work. As mentioned before, a sentence or two could be added to make the transition a bit smoother.
7. Are all of the writer’s paragraphs unified and coherent? Indicate which paragraphs have any sentences that seem irrelevant (“unity” concerns) or out of order (“coherence” concerns).
The coherence of his essay is good. It was easy for me to understand from paragraph to paragraph.
8. Go back and read the first and last paragraph. Has the writer fulfilled the obligations he or she established in the introduction? Does the writer accomplish everything promised in the introduction, or does the essay go off track or seem to switch focus? Why or why not? How can the conclusion be improved?
Actually, yes, the introduction and conclusion seem to mismatch. The introduction is more about Cory, but the conclusion is more about his friend. If the introduction is reviewed and the conclusion is rewritten, the essay would make more sense.
9. Now look at sentences. Does the writer have sentences that strike you as effective because they include strong verbs, specific details, memorable phrases, or striking images? Does the writer have any words they repeat too often, use incorrectly, or misspells? Finally, does the writer have any tendencies for error they should be made aware of? (Think comma splices, run-on sentences, switches in verb tense, etc.)
When the "charred burgers" were mentioned, it helped bring life to the essay. However, a lot of run on sentences hindered my ability to smoothly understand what was happening at times.
10. Write a summary comment that explains what you like best about the paper. Then, describe the two features of the paper that most need improvement. What suggestion(s) for overcoming these problems do you have?
I liked how this essay touched on a topic that is relevant to nearly anyone in college. However, having someone proofread this essay will help combat against run on sentences. Also, forming a better transition from the body to the conclusion, and revising the conclusion will make this essay more understandable and clear.
It is interesting, because most everyone has been through high school and can relate to the topic. This topic made me curious to his high school experience.
2. Is there a clear thesis statement? Can you find a sentence (or two) that reveals the writer’s purpose?
The thesis statement is mostly clear, but it would not hurt to state it more obviously.
3. Type the sentence(s) below that you believe to be the writer’s thesis statement. If the thesis is implied, state it in your own words below.
The implied thesis is the decisions that he and his friends made in high school were mostly based on fitting in and making friends.
4. Do all of the paragraphs contribute to the development of the thesis? Is it clear to you how each of the paragraphs relate to the process the writer is examining? Are any of the required steps or stages left out? Point out any paragraph(s) that you have difficulty relating to the thesis statement or process.
All of the paragraphs relate. The first couple set up the thesis and the process, while the rest carry us through the process. The process does come to an abrupt end, though. A sentence or two could be added to the second to last paragraph to wrap up the story a bit better.
5. Would the essay improve if the paragraphs were arranged differently? Why/why not? Note any paragraph that seems out of order.
All of his paragraphs are in order, and I found it easy to read because of this.
6. Are the paragraphs connected to one another smoothly and logically? Are there transitions between paragraphs that help you understand how the writer’s ideas are connected? Do individual paragraphs seem well detailed? What suggestions would you make about adding/subtracting specific details?
The transitions are pretty good, but I think the second to last paragraph's transition needs work. As mentioned before, a sentence or two could be added to make the transition a bit smoother.
7. Are all of the writer’s paragraphs unified and coherent? Indicate which paragraphs have any sentences that seem irrelevant (“unity” concerns) or out of order (“coherence” concerns).
The coherence of his essay is good. It was easy for me to understand from paragraph to paragraph.
8. Go back and read the first and last paragraph. Has the writer fulfilled the obligations he or she established in the introduction? Does the writer accomplish everything promised in the introduction, or does the essay go off track or seem to switch focus? Why or why not? How can the conclusion be improved?
Actually, yes, the introduction and conclusion seem to mismatch. The introduction is more about Cory, but the conclusion is more about his friend. If the introduction is reviewed and the conclusion is rewritten, the essay would make more sense.
9. Now look at sentences. Does the writer have sentences that strike you as effective because they include strong verbs, specific details, memorable phrases, or striking images? Does the writer have any words they repeat too often, use incorrectly, or misspells? Finally, does the writer have any tendencies for error they should be made aware of? (Think comma splices, run-on sentences, switches in verb tense, etc.)
When the "charred burgers" were mentioned, it helped bring life to the essay. However, a lot of run on sentences hindered my ability to smoothly understand what was happening at times.
10. Write a summary comment that explains what you like best about the paper. Then, describe the two features of the paper that most need improvement. What suggestion(s) for overcoming these problems do you have?
I liked how this essay touched on a topic that is relevant to nearly anyone in college. However, having someone proofread this essay will help combat against run on sentences. Also, forming a better transition from the body to the conclusion, and revising the conclusion will make this essay more understandable and clear.
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